Monday, June 21, 2010

Stephen Baldwin Progress Report

When we last checked in on Stephen ("Who? Oh, Alec's little brother.") Baldwin, it was back in October of ought-six, when Jesus (via the Republicans) controlled both houses of Congress, a God-fearin' brush-cuttin' man was in the White House, and Wasilla's former mayor had not yet become the bestest ever half-governor of the largest state in the world, at least as measured by moose carcasses per square mile, also, too.

This is what he looked like, back then:

Stephen Baldwin 2006

In the almost four years since, he has evidently lost his jacket, traded his hat for an insufficient dose of Visine, either had chin work done or learned to ask for downward-aiming camera angles, and gotten a tattoo: the initials "HM," for "Hannah Montana," which is not at all creepy.

Stephen Baldwin 2010

But! He now regrets this, he says.

What else? Ummmm ... well, according to Paul Campos, who should know, because he is a coastal elitist ivory tower college professor, in Colorado, Stephen has become the first "recipient" of The All That Know Him Movement, whose "re-work" …

… is based on the idea that the internet and social networks could be used as a platform to attract and inspire very large numbers of Christians to give very small gifts to a single worthy person, just as was originally done for Job.

Wait, aren't Job programs socialist??? Never mind. Behold their planning skills with awe:

The first challenge was to construct a website to allow for fast and efficient electronic online gifting using Credit Cards and PayPal.

Box checked!

The second challenge was to cost-effectively attract the world’s attention through the media. This was achieved through the controversial selection of the first recipient and was fitting because it was through watching the courage and outspokenness of the first recipient in the media that the movement was originally conceived. Amazingly, the hostility and vindictiveness of this same media which hates Christians, has been used to build our movement beyond anything we could have done without their unwitting assistance.

After this, the restoration of the worldwide caliphate should be a snap.

What's that? Different group?

Okay, onward.

It should be pointed out, TATKHM hastens to add (their emphasis):

Stephen Baldwin was the first recipient selected and this honor was entirely unsolicited by him.

And so never mind this bit from their FAQ page, haters:

Q- Who actually built the site?
A- For security and site content reasons the site was built by SPX Studios, SPX is Stephen’s and other celebrities outsourced internet design company.

(pic sources: before | after)

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