Huckabee Hound

It's been a while since I've indulged in fisking David Brooks. Lately, he's been showing signs of coming to his senses, at least on some issues. He occasionally borders on sounding sane these days, both in his column and on his point-counterpoint gig on PBS's News Hour. Sure, he still coughs up one of his patented sociology-as-seen-from-suburbia navel gazers from time to time, but I can forgive overlook these. Coming up with a column twice a week isn't as easy as blogging when the mood strikes.

But then there's this, from out of nowhere, a love letter to Mike Huckabee.

Let's pick it up in the middle of the lede.

But it’s quickly clear that Huckabee is as good a campaigner as anybody running for president this year.

And by "anybody," I mean "anybody in the GOP." And by "quickly," I mean "it only took me a year to come up with this."

I get that a not-completely-unhinged guy like Brooks has to be appalled at the front runners in the Republican Party. Giuliani wants to start World War Whatever. Hard as is to conceive of the possibility, Romney is both creepier and less trustworthy. And Thompson? (Long pause for laughter, or a collective under-the-breath "OMFG," depending on the audience.)

But really. The standard for bars has never been lower.

And before too long it becomes easy to come up with reasons why he might have a realistic shot at winning the Republican nomination:

First, Republican voters here and in Iowa are restless. That means that there will be sharp movements during the last 30 days toward whoever seems fresh and hot.

Shorter version: I have no idea how any of this is going to play out.

... Huckabee is the most normal person running for president ...

Bars, low, very. (op. cit.)

... he is part of the new generation of evangelical leaders.

Did he raise his hand when asked, "Who here doesn't believe in evolution?"

Yes he did. So, define "new."

... though you wouldn’t know it from the past few years, the white working class is the backbone of the G.O.P. Huckabee is most in tune with these voters.

Redacted: I don't actually have any statistics to back this up, but the assertions sound good, don't they? (And wait'll you hear 'em said live on TV!)

He tells audiences that the only soap his family could afford was the rough Lava soap, and that he was in college before he realized showering didn’t have to hurt.

Yup. And Alberto Gonzales sold crap from the trunk of his car. Or his father did. No matter. The key is, a heart-warming personal story guarantees exemplary public service.

He condemns "immoral" C.E.O. salaries ...

Which won't ever happen again if he moves out of the second tier and starts having to ask for real money.

... and on global trade he sounds like a Democrat: "There’s no free trade without fair trade."

He's the bold candidate for all people! He dares to makes vague statements when he's in single digits in the polls!

... he’s a former governor. He talks about issues in a down-to-earth way that other candidates can’t match. For example, he’s got a riff on childhood obesity that rivets the attention of his audiences.

One point to Mr. Brooks for not saying that I/you/he/we would like to have a beer with him. But other than that, the NYT Sunday magazine already puffed him on this suitable-for-Oprah-fans weight loss story. What else you got?

... he’s a collaborative conservative.

What brand does that make me think of ... ? Wait! I've got it! It's two, two, two brands in one! "Compassionate conservative" PLUS "Uniter, not a divider!" And both of those worked out really, really well!

He also criticizes the Bush administration for its arrogance.

He is so far ahead of the curve on this one, isn't he? After all, 24% of the country has yet to achieve this insight.

He is a solid conservative who is both temperamentally and substantively different from the conservatives who have led the country over the past few years.

He's got the old values, but he's all new? Maybe Brooks will clarify?

Too late! Word limit looming! Final graf just ahead!

He’s rising in the polls, especially in Iowa. His popularity with the press corps suggests he could catch a free media wave that would put him in the top tier.

And by "press corps," I mean "me." And by "free," I mean "I work cheap, don't I?" And by "suggests," I mean, "Don't hold me to any of this. Please."