We noticed the rare appearance of a quite private friend of ours, the one and only Ms. Fussily C. Welterwaite. Since she has chosen to venture forth from the shadows, we thought that we might tell the world about her.
We would not call Ms. Welterwaite obsessive about language. True, her ease is sometimes acute and sometimes grave. When shopping in the Christmas crush, though, she usually eyes before she eases, except when she seizes.
While not wildly religious, she has been known to give a quick prayer of thanks to spiritus asper and spiritus lenis. But when rendering unto Caesar, her broker is Charles Schwa, which turns things completely upside down.
She married early, perhaps too early. Her first husband was often a bit picky. Everyone called him Diacritical Mark.
She has two children, now grown, from this first marriage. Their names are Umlaut and Cedilla. Umlaut spends much of his time being thankful that he was not named Diuresis, or worse, Diaeresis. He lives in Denver and likes things made from eggs. Cedilla is sometimes confused with her friend Ogonek, as the two are nearly mirror images of each other.
Fussily is now happily married to her second husband, a Scot named MacDonald Ronald and often called MacRon. He is not a clown. In fact, he has recently been knighted and is now properly addressed as Sir Cumflex.
Fussy and Mac have two of their own children, Breve and Caron. The crowning glory of the marriage, these charmers are often thought to be twins, but they are not.
The extended family played an important role in Fussily's formative years. Of course, there was her Aunt Tilde, who is married to the Irish uncle whose name no one can pronounce. He is usually just referred to as "Sineadh's fáda."
Fussily, after a glass of wine or two, once let slip that her favorite underwear is her new dipthong, although when she is feeling bloated, she complains of the sensation of wearing a ligature.
She doesn't often get peeved at things other than language issues, but she can get get annoyed, stockings with run-ons drive her crazy. And fragments in her shoes.
Recently, we spoke to our Ms. Welterwaite by telephone. We have provided an excerpt of our conversation here.
Q: What drives you crazy these days?
A: Let's agree that the word "bemused" should be banished from the English language. Almost no one uses this word correctly anymore. We are not amused. We are baffled.
Q: What else?
A: When I get pulled over by a cop, and they give me a ticket.
Q: Does this happen a lot?
A: (laughs) Everyday. That bugs me, too. It's so commonplace.
Q: Does it feel as though you're fighting for lost causes?
A: I have conceded on "different than" but I'll fight to the death about
"try and". Try to get this one right. Infinitives are your friends, even if they occasionally split on you.
Q: Have I made any mistakes in speaking to you today?
A: Don't modify "unique." Either you're the only one who does this, or you're not.
Q: Oh? Did I err?
A: Breaking with my good friend Miss Thistlebottom, I refuse to pronounce "err" as though it were the second syllable of "bother." I pronounce it similarly to, although not exactly like, "air." To "er" is not human, it is hesitation.
Q: Thank you for speaking with us today.
A: That is not a question. Good-bye. (click)
5 comments:
I was totally bemused by the interview with Ms. Fussily C. Welterwaite which was quite unique and not at all commonplace although interviews such as these happen a lot these days when you get pulled over a lot by a cop and they give you a lecture like you weren't a yuman bean. It's not much different than being caught in a yuricane with your relahtor. I wonder if MacDonald Ronald is related to Mark Daniels the fellow who has all the burger drive thrus named after him?
You do know that commas and periods go inside quotation marks, don't you? Unless, of course you're in Britain, when they don't.
Yes, I know that rule about the placement of commas, etc. Clare. My bad. I ofetn inadvetrently tranpsose wehn I tpye.
But I gotta say, the idea that periods, commas, question marks, exclamation points, etc., should be placed inside the closing quote mark has always struck me as a completely irrational rule. I view the quoted word or phrase as a-tomic; i.e., uncuttable. It makes more sense to have the quotes terminate first, when a quoted phrase is embedded in a larger sentence.
Anyone who has ever written any computer code knows what I'm talking about.
Of course, if you're reading a bit of dialogue in a book, and the two characters are going back and forth without attribution, the periods at the end of the sentences in the conversation would look like puppies locked out of the house.
It's almost two years later, but this was the source that I needed for my high qualtiy blog.
A few days ago I was researching the umlaut, but today I found myself reading about weight loss, thinking to myself, "Haven't I seen this word before?"
Glad to be of help, I think.
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